Why God?…

Oh my good grief He’s breaking me. I don’t know how to feel…but I guess my why has been answered loud and clear. Since I am at a loss of words I will let some of the Serenity Prayer say it for me…I am trying to be…Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.

via Why God?….

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Flying Solo…

Flying Solo….

A Woman’s Worth…

A Woman’s Worth….

Rising From The Ashes Of Poverty…

Rising From The Ashes Of Poverty….

Errors In Friendship

In preparing to write about my struggles in friendship tonight I have put on my thinking music and am rocking out so my thoughts can roll out. I hope that those who read the post I am about to write have wonderful people that they can trust with the joys and messes of life. The sisters and brothers that are found not born into your life. (Though the ones born into my life are pretty awesome.) ❤

Life gets so heavy that a burdened heart has to find relief and for me that is my friends. I hold a very dear place in my heart for the people that God designed to be my companions in this life. They are beautifully flawed and perfectly designed by the pitfalls of life, interjected straight into my heart. I can say that friends have come and gone but each one has left an indelible mark on my life and taught me something. After a sad and painful day I decided it was time to unburden and speak from the heart. I have so many things to feel joyful for a healthy, amazing child a wonderful family and friends that have rolled through the deepest and darkest times in my life and also shared in the joys and highs of it.

With that being said, this month has been fraught with relationship issues for me. I think partly it is Satan’s attempt at distracting me with my weaknesses but also I just get so in my head that things get jumbled and it is hard to see through the over thinking and emotions that run so high in my passion laden jumbled crazy brain. I am particularly bothered by a specific and very painful separation from a friend that has literally seen me at my very worst and that I have fought tooth and nail to hang on to. Part of that is because of what the friendship has symbolized and brought to me. The connection and ability to just talk about anything was present from day one, the ease of words and soul connection despite our vast differences has brought us through some very rough patches. As I said my absolute worst self has been laid before this friend and yet many years later we sustained a continued relationship. It is fair to say that I have seen their absolute worst as well and that I contributed to the worst coming out in them. But, through all that I have learned much and felt heard and supported. Many times in this friendship the pain was so raw and deep I didn’t see a way for the two of us to come out the other side of it. But, we did. This last week all the pain and heartache of troubles of the past have reared their ugly little heads. I will admit I am a flawed and make expectations of people that are sometimes unreasonable. And last week I saw something that hurt me more than it should have and I went into reaction mode instead of simply believing the best of my friend that it was a simple case of an error in memory or judgement. I sent hasty texts and called to get an explanation, though at this point it was not a problem just a disappointment. In the evening I hadn’t received any word so I called to see what the deal was and was greeted with hostility and rudeness being that it was a situation that is particularly sensitive one for me I had a knee jerk reaction and lashed out. I knew what would upset the apple cart and threw my words like accusations anyway. I was met with the like because as I stated we have seen the worst in each other and are very different so therefore clash on occasion in a not so pretty way. (it has made for a very interesting friendship to say the least) In frustration the conversation ended and my thoughts were that resolution would come with the sun. But, it didn’t. I realized that I had been initially at fault very quickly and tried to back pedal but to no avail. I have admitted fault, apologized and mourned in anger that I helped to create an unnecessary barrier.

To make the anxiety for me higher I also have had in the past two weeks disagreements, misunderstandings and hurt feelings with some of my other closest friends and for me that is like a knife to the heart because I fear the loss of a friendship like I do the death of a good friend. I realize that in my comfort of years and history I sometimes trick myself into thinking that I can railroad and pressure people to do what I want them to and, I have an expectations that they think like I do about things. (Which is ridiculous of course) I take for granted that they will always be there and that no matter what they will forgive me and move forward with our friendship. But, I fear that I am sadly mistaken in all regards because I think that this clash has broken a friendship too deeply to be mended. I am not fully to blame for this division as all relationship are two-way streets but I think that my lack of reflection before opening my mouth and my apparent error in thinking that people care for me the same way that I do and, that they have to put the same amount and priority on the friendship may be the common link to the recent strife that I have experienced relationally.

My heart is completely broken and hurting over the loss, the though that this may be a permanent breakage in a relationship that I held so tightly to and depended on is gut-wrenching. I want nothing more then to reverse time and put things right. That being impossible I have to decide how I best prevent this kind of hurt and destruction in future relationships. and pray fervently to God that He brings restoration and a softening of heart, forgiveness, and understanding to the severed friendship.

c/s

Hmm Integrity.

So since I have stated that I purpose to live a life of integrity I thought maybe I should clarify for myself what that means. The dictionary defines it as “possession of firm principles: the quality of possessing and adhering to high moral principles or professional standards.” While searching in the word of God I found 22 results dealing with integrity but a few stuck out to me. In Proverbs 10:9  “Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out.” Proverbs 11:3  “The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.” Ok so this to me has been more true than I can even admit in my life. I know my salvation is secure in the Lord. I gave my heart to Him at 8 years old and I am sure that He has never ever let me go. But, I have let him go I have grieved my Heavenly Father more than I can count or remember. I believe integrity is truly what the dictionary defines it as “the quality of possessing and adhering to high moral principles.” To me and the way I want to define and live this out in my life equates to what I am doing when no one is looking? Am I overeating, swearing, gossiping, lying or being sneaky? Am I living a life that is free of things that I want to hide from others because perhaps they would judge me or see something ugly that doesn’t honor God? Now, I am not perfect and I have to say I know I will fail and that when I do I will get up brush myself off and start over. Everyday is a new opportunity to live with integrity. And hopefully in the end the battle will be won, but today I will rejoice in the smallest of victories and hold on to the promise that God will never let me go and will help me meet my goal.

Jenness

c/s