Why God?…

Oh my good grief He’s breaking me. I don’t know how to feel…but I guess my why has been answered loud and clear. Since I am at a loss of words I will let some of the Serenity Prayer say it for me…I am trying to be…Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.

via Why God?….

Advertisements

Still Alive…

Still Alive….

Errors In Friendship

In preparing to write about my struggles in friendship tonight I have put on my thinking music and am rocking out so my thoughts can roll out. I hope that those who read the post I am about to write have wonderful people that they can trust with the joys and messes of life. The sisters and brothers that are found not born into your life. (Though the ones born into my life are pretty awesome.) ❤

Life gets so heavy that a burdened heart has to find relief and for me that is my friends. I hold a very dear place in my heart for the people that God designed to be my companions in this life. They are beautifully flawed and perfectly designed by the pitfalls of life, interjected straight into my heart. I can say that friends have come and gone but each one has left an indelible mark on my life and taught me something. After a sad and painful day I decided it was time to unburden and speak from the heart. I have so many things to feel joyful for a healthy, amazing child a wonderful family and friends that have rolled through the deepest and darkest times in my life and also shared in the joys and highs of it.

With that being said, this month has been fraught with relationship issues for me. I think partly it is Satan’s attempt at distracting me with my weaknesses but also I just get so in my head that things get jumbled and it is hard to see through the over thinking and emotions that run so high in my passion laden jumbled crazy brain. I am particularly bothered by a specific and very painful separation from a friend that has literally seen me at my very worst and that I have fought tooth and nail to hang on to. Part of that is because of what the friendship has symbolized and brought to me. The connection and ability to just talk about anything was present from day one, the ease of words and soul connection despite our vast differences has brought us through some very rough patches. As I said my absolute worst self has been laid before this friend and yet many years later we sustained a continued relationship. It is fair to say that I have seen their absolute worst as well and that I contributed to the worst coming out in them. But, through all that I have learned much and felt heard and supported. Many times in this friendship the pain was so raw and deep I didn’t see a way for the two of us to come out the other side of it. But, we did. This last week all the pain and heartache of troubles of the past have reared their ugly little heads. I will admit I am a flawed and make expectations of people that are sometimes unreasonable. And last week I saw something that hurt me more than it should have and I went into reaction mode instead of simply believing the best of my friend that it was a simple case of an error in memory or judgement. I sent hasty texts and called to get an explanation, though at this point it was not a problem just a disappointment. In the evening I hadn’t received any word so I called to see what the deal was and was greeted with hostility and rudeness being that it was a situation that is particularly sensitive one for me I had a knee jerk reaction and lashed out. I knew what would upset the apple cart and threw my words like accusations anyway. I was met with the like because as I stated we have seen the worst in each other and are very different so therefore clash on occasion in a not so pretty way. (it has made for a very interesting friendship to say the least) In frustration the conversation ended and my thoughts were that resolution would come with the sun. But, it didn’t. I realized that I had been initially at fault very quickly and tried to back pedal but to no avail. I have admitted fault, apologized and mourned in anger that I helped to create an unnecessary barrier.

To make the anxiety for me higher I also have had in the past two weeks disagreements, misunderstandings and hurt feelings with some of my other closest friends and for me that is like a knife to the heart because I fear the loss of a friendship like I do the death of a good friend. I realize that in my comfort of years and history I sometimes trick myself into thinking that I can railroad and pressure people to do what I want them to and, I have an expectations that they think like I do about things. (Which is ridiculous of course) I take for granted that they will always be there and that no matter what they will forgive me and move forward with our friendship. But, I fear that I am sadly mistaken in all regards because I think that this clash has broken a friendship too deeply to be mended. I am not fully to blame for this division as all relationship are two-way streets but I think that my lack of reflection before opening my mouth and my apparent error in thinking that people care for me the same way that I do and, that they have to put the same amount and priority on the friendship may be the common link to the recent strife that I have experienced relationally.

My heart is completely broken and hurting over the loss, the though that this may be a permanent breakage in a relationship that I held so tightly to and depended on is gut-wrenching. I want nothing more then to reverse time and put things right. That being impossible I have to decide how I best prevent this kind of hurt and destruction in future relationships. and pray fervently to God that He brings restoration and a softening of heart, forgiveness, and understanding to the severed friendship.

c/s

Heavy Heart

It has been a long while since I blogged guess I got caught up and distracted. I have been feeling pulled to put pen to paper for a while and didn’t quite know how to say what has been weighing on my heart. My heart is confused and conflicted do I tell the absolute truth and risk loss or do I wait and hope for the best? I have so many things keeping me up at night and I wonder what the lesson from God is. Much thought, contemplation and talking things out go into my every action and word I am not the girl I used to be where my thoughts spill off my tongue and lay carnage in my wake. But I do miss her and the gift of innocence she didn’t know she enjoyed. The woman who now lives her life is sadly cynical, irresponsible, terribly picky and judgemental though everything in her rebels against such things. That is part of why my heart is so heavy and why love has become a burden to me. Why love when it brings these intense and painful thoughts and feelings to the surface that rob me of my sleep and sometimes my sanity. I am going to speak frankly and hopefully not offend. I am finding myself angry with God. Yep angry at God. That is hard for me to admit even to myself but the truth is I am deeply disappointed in my lack of wisdom and clarity of mind. I am angry that I was created in a way that seems to keep dysfunction at the forefront of my life and that there is no such thing as normal functioning for me. I know that some of my unique gifts are to my benefit but why is it that I have the desire to have and be things that seem impossible to obtain? If the ones I love only see the dysfunction and not that the lessons I have learned help me to bear the dysfunction then how can they respect my wisdom? If destruction and failure continue to plague me then how can they see that my truest intentions of healing, helping and moving forward reign supreme. I am angry that my past has had a way of dictating my future. The truth is no one but the God who created me and all my oddities understands the reality of my life. I know that I can be angry at my creator but at the same time realize that He is still actively working on me and allowing me to figure it all out for myself as well. My heavy heart is proof positive that I am have grown and matured consequently and in spite of all the dysfunction that has been exhibited in the past and present. So my heavy heart wants to be unburdened and my intuition to be taken seriously, my words to carry weight and my opinions to matter. Then maybe my burden will lift and I can stop judging myself so harshly and feel more free to be myself and love in a way that doesn’t require such deep pain and sleepless nights. Now how to get there from here.

Anxiety

My heart is pounding nearly out of my chest I feel like I am gonna explode, I can’t breathe, thoughts are racing through my mind and I can’t think clearly. I want to scream, burst out of my skin and to run to a place of peaceful bliss and never come back. I feel so inadequate so broken and insecure. I don’t know how to act how to manage all that I face. I am in a constant state of varying stages of coming completely undone. Prayers are pouring out of me is He listening am I too far gone?? Tears are streaming down my face and I have no idea how to make them stop, or why I feel like this. Overwhelmed, out of control and shameful, painfully aware that I don’t have any of the answers I need. Anger is welling up in me for all that I can’t control in myself and all around me. When the deck is stacked against me I feel powerless to move forward. Leaps and bounds forward all gone in a second.

Jenness

c/s