Pride, Passion, Pain

Pride, Passion, Pain.

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Left Behind…

Left Behind….

Tired and Grumpy…

Tired and Grumpy….

Heavy Heart

It has been a long while since I blogged guess I got caught up and distracted. I have been feeling pulled to put pen to paper for a while and didn’t quite know how to say what has been weighing on my heart. My heart is confused and conflicted do I tell the absolute truth and risk loss or do I wait and hope for the best? I have so many things keeping me up at night and I wonder what the lesson from God is. Much thought, contemplation and talking things out go into my every action and word I am not the girl I used to be where my thoughts spill off my tongue and lay carnage in my wake. But I do miss her and the gift of innocence she didn’t know she enjoyed. The woman who now lives her life is sadly cynical, irresponsible, terribly picky and judgemental though everything in her rebels against such things. That is part of why my heart is so heavy and why love has become a burden to me. Why love when it brings these intense and painful thoughts and feelings to the surface that rob me of my sleep and sometimes my sanity. I am going to speak frankly and hopefully not offend. I am finding myself angry with God. Yep angry at God. That is hard for me to admit even to myself but the truth is I am deeply disappointed in my lack of wisdom and clarity of mind. I am angry that I was created in a way that seems to keep dysfunction at the forefront of my life and that there is no such thing as normal functioning for me. I know that some of my unique gifts are to my benefit but why is it that I have the desire to have and be things that seem impossible to obtain? If the ones I love only see the dysfunction and not that the lessons I have learned help me to bear the dysfunction then how can they respect my wisdom? If destruction and failure continue to plague me then how can they see that my truest intentions of healing, helping and moving forward reign supreme. I am angry that my past has had a way of dictating my future. The truth is no one but the God who created me and all my oddities understands the reality of my life. I know that I can be angry at my creator but at the same time realize that He is still actively working on me and allowing me to figure it all out for myself as well. My heavy heart is proof positive that I am have grown and matured consequently and in spite of all the dysfunction that has been exhibited in the past and present. So my heavy heart wants to be unburdened and my intuition to be taken seriously, my words to carry weight and my opinions to matter. Then maybe my burden will lift and I can stop judging myself so harshly and feel more free to be myself and love in a way that doesn’t require such deep pain and sleepless nights. Now how to get there from here.

I have a voice.

My life has been plagued with frustration and failure. I have had every excuse in the book to use as my sword to fight off change. I have battled many different things in my life and the things that seems insurmountable have always come back to one thing. CONTROL I have always thought that I had the illusion of it in my life but then I take a step back and realize that all my metaphorical balls have spun so far out of control that I can no longer recognize what they looked like to begin with. I keep thinking if just this one thing is fixed then it will all fall into place. My reality is that I can’t fix anything and I am treading water barely keeping my head above water praying with all my might that the strength in my legs doesn’t fail or I will for sure go under. All my heart, soul, intention and effort want what is right but when presented with something that appears to be a short cut I forget all my fortitude and try to feel better today. I am my own worst enemy and I self sabotage. Maybe it is a step forward to realize that I do that but now how do I fix it. Its kinda of absurd I have to say to think of fixing myself like you would a car or a leaky faucet. What is “broken” isn’t visible its deep in my heart and soul. And the idea of being broken is a scary thought for me because all the thoughts of unworthiness come full force and nearly topple me over when I think of it being true. But, the truth is we all have a little brokenness scars, wounds, gaping holes in our hearts that are not fixed by a wrench or screw driver. I have what is called borderline personality disorder, essentially I have never been “validated” in life and battle many things that others can overcome easier than me. Now when I was diagnosed I was devastated though it made sense as to the trajectory of my life it also validated that I was in a sense broken, now I have spoken of my crazy brain before that I attribute to my ADHD but I have been dealing with that since I was a second grader. This new diagnosis seemed scarier and like the elephant in the room just sat on my face and was suffocating me. Since, this diagnosis over a year ago I have learned how to manage things better and am making strides to be more self-aware and to manage the panic attacks and anxiety. To not be so hard on myself and try to stop being my own worst critic, I have lived under a cloud of judgment and a lot of that judgment came from myself. I am a failure because I am human and it is not just a Jenness condition it is a human condition. I am learning to shed my preconceived notions about myself and I know I have grown. Forward motion happens everyday in my life and that all my hidden yuckiness comes to light piece by piece and I try to work through it. I think that I am seeing more and more that I HAVE A VOICE and that, that voice can be used to stand up for myself and others, to tell the truth, to tell others the truth and to speak out against injustice, to highlight the passions that God has set on fire in my heart. I want to be the change that I need. I want to eradicate in my heart prejudice, racism, hatred, judgmental attitudes, fear, anxiety and the idea that I am nothing and can help no one including myself. That is a lie of satan, he banks on the fact that I will fail and hate myself when I do. But, though I have been plagued with failure and the ensuing frustration from that I feel like God is opening my heart and mind for a distinct purpose. I know He has a purpose for all of His children and maybe mine is to use my story to pay it forward to give hope where none can be found. I realize that I am so very far from perfect but in an Easter morning service I was encouraged that if God can use murders, tax collectors and cowards to further His kingdom why not me. WHY NOT ME???

Jenness

c/s