Break…

Break….

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Words I thought I would never hear…

Words I thought I would never hear….

Fat Shaming…And Bullying

Fat Shaming…And Bullying.

Productive Day…

Productive Day….

Truth and Lies…

Truth and Lies….

The Man…

The Man….

Musing of one without answers…

Many times in my life I have felt out-of-place, awkward, like I was a round peg trying to fit into a square hole but no more so than in my own family, I feel like I am like a stranger in a foreign land trying to understand the language and customs that are not natural to me. To say the least this has brought division and pain to my heart. Being that I internalize almost everything and that I feel things so deeply I end up agonized through many nights and try to make sense of my jumble heart and brain through many conversations with friends and mentors about my expectations and about how to manage and find a place of worthiness in the mix of all of the stress I encounter feeling like an outsider in relationships that I hold so dear.

            I admittedly have had hard feelings and have had to get over many real and perceived offenses, I feel very alone in this struggle I have a desire to have peace in my life so I try largely to keep what is going on in my heart quiet in relation to this situation. Occasionally it seeps out in all the wrong ways. Part of my struggle deals with a sense of inadequacy and feeling judged by my past and having my everyday life and actions tainted by the negative things in my past…I know I definitely could have done better with the tools I was given then I have, and I also believe that if I had stood by my convictions or listened to my intuition a little more I would have been spared a lot of pain and heartache…

Despite any mistakes I have made, and through all the pain and consequences I have had to endure from my choices I am desirous of peace, to be respected and to be heard about the things that hurt my heart or just the basics of life. I know I am categorically different and sometimes not easily understood but my desire to have closeness and healthy relationships is very strong…I want relationships where telephone calls are answered, texts returned and a real effort to be a part of my life is evident…answers escape me…any thoughts?

c/s

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