I was mad at my daughter so I ate all the cookie dough…

I was mad at my daughter so I ate all the cookie dough….

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Its late…

Its late….

Looking Forward…

Looking Forward….

Errors In Friendship

In preparing to write about my struggles in friendship tonight I have put on my thinking music and am rocking out so my thoughts can roll out. I hope that those who read the post I am about to write have wonderful people that they can trust with the joys and messes of life. The sisters and brothers that are found not born into your life. (Though the ones born into my life are pretty awesome.) ❤

Life gets so heavy that a burdened heart has to find relief and for me that is my friends. I hold a very dear place in my heart for the people that God designed to be my companions in this life. They are beautifully flawed and perfectly designed by the pitfalls of life, interjected straight into my heart. I can say that friends have come and gone but each one has left an indelible mark on my life and taught me something. After a sad and painful day I decided it was time to unburden and speak from the heart. I have so many things to feel joyful for a healthy, amazing child a wonderful family and friends that have rolled through the deepest and darkest times in my life and also shared in the joys and highs of it.

With that being said, this month has been fraught with relationship issues for me. I think partly it is Satan’s attempt at distracting me with my weaknesses but also I just get so in my head that things get jumbled and it is hard to see through the over thinking and emotions that run so high in my passion laden jumbled crazy brain. I am particularly bothered by a specific and very painful separation from a friend that has literally seen me at my very worst and that I have fought tooth and nail to hang on to. Part of that is because of what the friendship has symbolized and brought to me. The connection and ability to just talk about anything was present from day one, the ease of words and soul connection despite our vast differences has brought us through some very rough patches. As I said my absolute worst self has been laid before this friend and yet many years later we sustained a continued relationship. It is fair to say that I have seen their absolute worst as well and that I contributed to the worst coming out in them. But, through all that I have learned much and felt heard and supported. Many times in this friendship the pain was so raw and deep I didn’t see a way for the two of us to come out the other side of it. But, we did. This last week all the pain and heartache of troubles of the past have reared their ugly little heads. I will admit I am a flawed and make expectations of people that are sometimes unreasonable. And last week I saw something that hurt me more than it should have and I went into reaction mode instead of simply believing the best of my friend that it was a simple case of an error in memory or judgement. I sent hasty texts and called to get an explanation, though at this point it was not a problem just a disappointment. In the evening I hadn’t received any word so I called to see what the deal was and was greeted with hostility and rudeness being that it was a situation that is particularly sensitive one for me I had a knee jerk reaction and lashed out. I knew what would upset the apple cart and threw my words like accusations anyway. I was met with the like because as I stated we have seen the worst in each other and are very different so therefore clash on occasion in a not so pretty way. (it has made for a very interesting friendship to say the least) In frustration the conversation ended and my thoughts were that resolution would come with the sun. But, it didn’t. I realized that I had been initially at fault very quickly and tried to back pedal but to no avail. I have admitted fault, apologized and mourned in anger that I helped to create an unnecessary barrier.

To make the anxiety for me higher I also have had in the past two weeks disagreements, misunderstandings and hurt feelings with some of my other closest friends and for me that is like a knife to the heart because I fear the loss of a friendship like I do the death of a good friend. I realize that in my comfort of years and history I sometimes trick myself into thinking that I can railroad and pressure people to do what I want them to and, I have an expectations that they think like I do about things. (Which is ridiculous of course) I take for granted that they will always be there and that no matter what they will forgive me and move forward with our friendship. But, I fear that I am sadly mistaken in all regards because I think that this clash has broken a friendship too deeply to be mended. I am not fully to blame for this division as all relationship are two-way streets but I think that my lack of reflection before opening my mouth and my apparent error in thinking that people care for me the same way that I do and, that they have to put the same amount and priority on the friendship may be the common link to the recent strife that I have experienced relationally.

My heart is completely broken and hurting over the loss, the though that this may be a permanent breakage in a relationship that I held so tightly to and depended on is gut-wrenching. I want nothing more then to reverse time and put things right. That being impossible I have to decide how I best prevent this kind of hurt and destruction in future relationships. and pray fervently to God that He brings restoration and a softening of heart, forgiveness, and understanding to the severed friendship.

c/s

Complications

As usual I don’t know where to begin. Hmm, well I have had some friendship complications lately really in the last three years specifically I have really been battling things in my heart and mind. Not only about the kind of friend I am but the kind of friends I have and want. Here is what I know about myself as a friend. I am selfish, possessive and sometimes jealous. I am also, fiercely loyal, I love 100% unconditionally, I am patient and extremely forgiving (may I add to a fault sometimes. :)) I really try to be a good friend but right now I am completely at a loss as to what that means in some of my relationships. I am having a hard time picturing what comes next and I frankly have a kinda bad attitude about it. I have been praying and praying and then praying some more. I know that God says to forgive and I think that goal could definitely be accomplished but the problem I face seems a bit more as I said complicated. My heart hurts and my feeling have been hurt time after time and for some reason I just cant get the thought out of my head that sometimes friendships have an expiration date. Then, I think back to all the laughter, tears, support during tragedies, and years of mutual love and respect and just feel sad that things have come to where they are and that the thought of ending friendships is even in my head. I see that I am at fault for some of the dysfunction or causation in relation to the specific things I am talking about. I have been very surface and said hurtful things out of frustration and on the other hand not said what I felt I should have to prevent being walked all over and/or for my time to not be taken up by drama. Frankly, I am hurting my heart is tired. I never have worked so hard in my life to come out on top of something I have supported, listened, cried, prayed and given more time than I could and I still feel like I am coming up short and that all my time, energy and care were in vain and unappreciated. Like all those things are an entitlement not a gift. I keep no account of what and how much I give until it is made to be nothing. I try to never throw it in someones face that I have done so much for them and be self-righteous about it having an expectation of extreme gratitude from said someone. Friendship is a gift and a series of give and take it may never be equal one person gives more than another and at then it’s reversed. I tend to be attracted to people who are not like me in many ways. To put it frankly I am attracted for some strange reason to selfish people. They are either selfish with their time, money, affection or some other thing looking at all the friendships I hold dear every single one of them no offense is selfish and at times it is extreme.  (Let me preface this thought with I love every one of the people in my life and I am friends with them for a reason they have amazing qualities and I cherish them.) I am not without selfishness or selfish attitudes on occasion but I don’t normally consider myself as such. Therefore I think I choose people who are so vastly different from me because they fascinate me. Along with that also comes problems when a relationship is deep and trust runs freely problems can and usually do arise and because there are obvious differences in selflessness and opinions. These differences come to light and that is then, when true colors and intentions come out into the open. And lately it hasn’t been very pretty even where I am concerned. I admit that I have had a hard heart and had a harder time than usual forgiving. But, I have tried to be the best friend I could be and now feel all used up and left wanting. My frustration level has passed its peak and with tears in my eyes I am wondering can we get through this and come out better than before and right now sadly the answer in my heart is no. I want it to be yes and I want to get back to the kind of friendship I once treasured and enjoyed. But, how?

Jenness

c/s