Musing of one without answers…

Many times in my life I have felt out-of-place, awkward, like I was a round peg trying to fit into a square hole but no more so than in my own family, I feel like I am like a stranger in a foreign land trying to understand the language and customs that are not natural to me. To say the least this has brought division and pain to my heart. Being that I internalize almost everything and that I feel things so deeply I end up agonized through many nights and try to make sense of my jumble heart and brain through many conversations with friends and mentors about my expectations and about how to manage and find a place of worthiness in the mix of all of the stress I encounter feeling like an outsider in relationships that I hold so dear.

            I admittedly have had hard feelings and have had to get over many real and perceived offenses, I feel very alone in this struggle I have a desire to have peace in my life so I try largely to keep what is going on in my heart quiet in relation to this situation. Occasionally it seeps out in all the wrong ways. Part of my struggle deals with a sense of inadequacy and feeling judged by my past and having my everyday life and actions tainted by the negative things in my past…I know I definitely could have done better with the tools I was given then I have, and I also believe that if I had stood by my convictions or listened to my intuition a little more I would have been spared a lot of pain and heartache…

Despite any mistakes I have made, and through all the pain and consequences I have had to endure from my choices I am desirous of peace, to be respected and to be heard about the things that hurt my heart or just the basics of life. I know I am categorically different and sometimes not easily understood but my desire to have closeness and healthy relationships is very strong…I want relationships where telephone calls are answered, texts returned and a real effort to be a part of my life is evident…answers escape me…any thoughts?



2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Musing of one without answers… « Embracing Possibilities
  2. araneus1
    Mar 20, 2013 @ 17:02:49

    Answers, no. Ideas, yes.
    Might I suggest that your past ‘mistakes’ were gifts and probably part of why you chose to come into this life. Your mistakes are extremely valuable because you have discovered many ways NOT to do something. Some people go their whole lives and never learn what you have. That puts you way ahead of a lot of people!

    As for family and friends……….. you cannot choose your family they are thrust upon you. Choose the ones who make you a better person and distance yourself from the rest. Friends are easy. Give more than you take, cherish them even if there is only one (this is not a numbers game, one good friend is worth more than a hundred shallow aquaintences). I found that the first hurdle was to get to the point where I recognised that I was a person that others SHOULD want to be friends with. When you get to this point………. “These people are lucky to have me as a friend”…….. you give off a confident glow that attracts people like bees to flowers. Trust me, I’m not the first person to say these things. Wise people have know this for centuries. You might want to check out Napoleon Hill’s “Think and Grow Rich’. Don’t let the title put you off, this is the book that more than half the successful people in the world have read, and many of them credit it with turning their lives around. The first time you read it you won’t understand it all but the second time it will mean more and the third time even more. Keep coming back to it as your journey continues and you will find new things each time.
    Finally………….. the world is full of people, don’t waist your time on people who are too shortsighted to realise how cool you are! Shout ‘NEXT’ and smile at the next person you encounter.
    Be well, be happy and don’t forget to awesome. Terry.


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