Kay and the lessons I have learned

The many rains since that day have washed the stains away, the beauty of that place has once more been restored. The agony and pain have faded with the stains and new life has come to a heart where darkness once reigned supreme.

On April 5th, 1998 Kay Jackson was ripped from the lives of many people who loved her. There is no sense to it and still no answers but the Lord has made me a new creature because I knew and loved Kay, my best friend, confidant and a very real person, she was a very special and unique woman, perfectly wonderfully flawed and someone who was always seeking God’s heart. I vividly remember her face and her fun, witty personality that few where party to due to her shy nature. Though raw hurt still springs up unexpectedly the Lord has brought understanding and meaning to the tragedy that destroyed this heart with guilt, anger and inexplicable pain. Lots of times people want to make the person who has passed out to be a saint. I like to remember people how they truly were. That is why I say she was perfectly wonderfully flawed because God creates us all this way and we are all a work in progress and because of this tragedy in my life God highlighted my weakness’ and is helping me to make them strengths, it has been a very long road to healing but one thing I have learned is that grief has no time-table and that the indelible marker that people use to draw on the fabric of our lives doesn’t fade and that we can either rise from the ashes and learn a better way to leave your mark on others lives or you can dwell in the soot and fire of hurt. Kay’s life and death taught me to love with all you have and to say it out loud. Tell the people you love that you love them, tell them often and mean it. I am so far from perfect but I know God has impressed on my heart to serve and love people the way I think that God loves all of us. His grace, understanding and forgiveness have helped me make good come from evil put in my life by a monstrous person who robbed joy from a community of people touched by the life of Kay. Since then I have lost many people from my Beautiful Grandma Irene, to the recent loss of the only Grandfather I have ever known, and many dear friendships that have fallen by the wasteside, through it all God reminds me of the beauty of a life fully lived and shows me a way through the grief. I tell Lily all the time that we keep people alive in our hearts by never letting our love for them diminish and by the memories, laughter, and smiles we shared with them. A very sweet friend texted me these words the other day and I hope that I can live up to them…”you seem to exemplify the best things about your faith. You have a truly good heart…you seem to have found the truth in your life.” (Thanks JD) I too am a beautifully, perfectly flawed Mom, daughter, sister, friend, granddaughter, niece and human being but, I pray that I continue to learn from the tragedy that touched my life 14 years ago and that the legacy that I leave in my wake is one of love and acceptance, and one that at the end of it God can say well done my good and faithful servant.

c/s

Errors In Friendship

Errors In Friendship.

Errors In Friendship

In preparing to write about my struggles in friendship tonight I have put on my thinking music and am rocking out so my thoughts can roll out. I hope that those who read the post I am about to write have wonderful people that they can trust with the joys and messes of life. The sisters and brothers that are found not born into your life. (Though the ones born into my life are pretty awesome.) ❤

Life gets so heavy that a burdened heart has to find relief and for me that is my friends. I hold a very dear place in my heart for the people that God designed to be my companions in this life. They are beautifully flawed and perfectly designed by the pitfalls of life, interjected straight into my heart. I can say that friends have come and gone but each one has left an indelible mark on my life and taught me something. After a sad and painful day I decided it was time to unburden and speak from the heart. I have so many things to feel joyful for a healthy, amazing child a wonderful family and friends that have rolled through the deepest and darkest times in my life and also shared in the joys and highs of it.

With that being said, this month has been fraught with relationship issues for me. I think partly it is Satan’s attempt at distracting me with my weaknesses but also I just get so in my head that things get jumbled and it is hard to see through the over thinking and emotions that run so high in my passion laden jumbled crazy brain. I am particularly bothered by a specific and very painful separation from a friend that has literally seen me at my very worst and that I have fought tooth and nail to hang on to. Part of that is because of what the friendship has symbolized and brought to me. The connection and ability to just talk about anything was present from day one, the ease of words and soul connection despite our vast differences has brought us through some very rough patches. As I said my absolute worst self has been laid before this friend and yet many years later we sustained a continued relationship. It is fair to say that I have seen their absolute worst as well and that I contributed to the worst coming out in them. But, through all that I have learned much and felt heard and supported. Many times in this friendship the pain was so raw and deep I didn’t see a way for the two of us to come out the other side of it. But, we did. This last week all the pain and heartache of troubles of the past have reared their ugly little heads. I will admit I am a flawed and make expectations of people that are sometimes unreasonable. And last week I saw something that hurt me more than it should have and I went into reaction mode instead of simply believing the best of my friend that it was a simple case of an error in memory or judgement. I sent hasty texts and called to get an explanation, though at this point it was not a problem just a disappointment. In the evening I hadn’t received any word so I called to see what the deal was and was greeted with hostility and rudeness being that it was a situation that is particularly sensitive one for me I had a knee jerk reaction and lashed out. I knew what would upset the apple cart and threw my words like accusations anyway. I was met with the like because as I stated we have seen the worst in each other and are very different so therefore clash on occasion in a not so pretty way. (it has made for a very interesting friendship to say the least) In frustration the conversation ended and my thoughts were that resolution would come with the sun. But, it didn’t. I realized that I had been initially at fault very quickly and tried to back pedal but to no avail. I have admitted fault, apologized and mourned in anger that I helped to create an unnecessary barrier.

To make the anxiety for me higher I also have had in the past two weeks disagreements, misunderstandings and hurt feelings with some of my other closest friends and for me that is like a knife to the heart because I fear the loss of a friendship like I do the death of a good friend. I realize that in my comfort of years and history I sometimes trick myself into thinking that I can railroad and pressure people to do what I want them to and, I have an expectations that they think like I do about things. (Which is ridiculous of course) I take for granted that they will always be there and that no matter what they will forgive me and move forward with our friendship. But, I fear that I am sadly mistaken in all regards because I think that this clash has broken a friendship too deeply to be mended. I am not fully to blame for this division as all relationship are two-way streets but I think that my lack of reflection before opening my mouth and my apparent error in thinking that people care for me the same way that I do and, that they have to put the same amount and priority on the friendship may be the common link to the recent strife that I have experienced relationally.

My heart is completely broken and hurting over the loss, the though that this may be a permanent breakage in a relationship that I held so tightly to and depended on is gut-wrenching. I want nothing more then to reverse time and put things right. That being impossible I have to decide how I best prevent this kind of hurt and destruction in future relationships. and pray fervently to God that He brings restoration and a softening of heart, forgiveness, and understanding to the severed friendship.

c/s