A Daily Battle

Hello All,

It has been awhile since I put a pen to paper. Far to long. Many things are rolling through my brain I feel like I need to talk very honestly about the battle that rages in my life everyday and that has tied me down for so long I barely remember the other side of it. Though old pictures tell a tale of a time that the battle wasn’t as hard. Obesity in a way rules my life and it is the last thing I ever thought I would have had to battle I remember distinctly thinking as a child that I would never be heavy. It seems that I lost the battle along the way. This is something that I am very, very sensitive about, as a child and well into adulthood I felt powerless like I didn’t have a voice. That I had no control or say in what happened in my own life. I had so much frustration and no outlet and I felt like I was gonna blow up sometimes. I am not making excuses I am saying I want people to understand the compulsion that goes into something for me that has led to an addiction. I am addicted to food. Obesity is one of the last acceptable things to be openly prejudice about. I have literally faced so much anger, hatred, harsh words, nasty looks and prejudice because I am “FAT” what a horrible ugly word I loathe it because of the power and connotations that go with it. I hardly know what to say to describe the inner battle I face notwithstanding the one the world throws at me. Tonight I read a post that was so poignant that I shared it on my Facebook and I encourage everyone I know to read it.  The blog is called Single Dad Laughing and his post called “I’m Christian, unless you’re gay” here is the link http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html I cried and cried and completely agreed with what he had to say. I bring it up because it inspired me to complete this saved post. I think if maybe I can give just a little peek into the window of my life then maybe just maybe one person will not look on in disgust when seeing on obese person eating at the table next to them. And instead look on with love, compassion and a little understanding. I realize that the battle I face is a self-inflicted one to some degree and that not a lot of compassion for someone who overeats exists. But let me take a step back and go back to what I said before I felt like I had NO VOICE I have battled being Just Jenness whose opinions don’t matter because her life is, was a mess and how could she have something to add or any wisdom right?? Because God forbid that her struggles, battles and lack of voice be taken seriously. Sadly I honestly believed this lie (and maybe still do ao little) and therefore I literally have stifled my feelings and my voice with food. If I have a fight with someone I turn to food. If I am upset, lonely, restless, hurting, or anxious I start searching for a salve to pour into my wounds and food has been that salve and my constant companion. But after eating comes the shame spiral holy shit how did I eat a whole bag of m&m’s (or fill in the blank with whatever met the need for the day) why did I do that? Why can’t I just control one thing in my life, why can’t I just tackle this monster once and for all. I have prayed, dieted, talked my guts out to my friends and I am here to say that it just isn’t that easy. Friends have said I just don’t understand why don’t you just lose the weight? I have heard concerns for my health and emotionally beat myself up since my waistline started to grow. And now with Lily in tow I beg and plead, pray and cry that not for one day will she be saddle with my dysfunction. That my words and heart speak louder than my waistline. I am sick at the thought of her going to school and being made fun of because she has a “FAT” mommy. Sadly, this abhorrent word has already made it into her vocabulary and she has called me that a handful of times. (Much to her dismay after the fact.) It kills me because I feel powerless to change what I hate the most about myself. Addiction is a sneaky little bastard that creeps into every faucet of your life once it has a stronghold it doesn’t want to let go. I in the past have been extremely judgmental about addicts because of the carnage that is laid by the actions of an addict. But, the more I learn about life and the demon that is addiction the more I understand and see how my addiction is very much like that of say a drug addict. Let me give you an example…when I am hungry I get sweaty, shaky and almost in a panic. I feel like I will pass out if I do not eat that second and whatever I see first goes into my mouth. Sure some of the physical aspects of that could be attributed to say hypoglycemia but take it out of the context of food and put alcohol in its place, or drugs and to me it sounds just like someone going through withdrawals. Obesity is a plague it is a sickness that is literally killing our nation yet people chose to look at individuals who battle it everyday with disdain and this self-righteous judgment as if they do not have sin issues and struggles in their own lives. Obese persons are literally one of the most hated classes in American society. In our “Christian Nation” that touts of its open-mindedness obese people are shunned, hated and made out to be stupid, lazy, white trash. Just the other day I had two teenage boys bark yes I said bark at me in a grocery store. Seriously how sadly surface and ignorant they are of a simple fact, just like them I am a human with a life and child, friends, family and feelings. I am sure if I walked up to them and said wow you are literally the ugliest person I have ever seen in my life! And I think all ugly people should be separated from society and shunned they would not feel pretty crappy about themselves don’t you think? I also in the last year while at a doctor’s appointment was told I was too heavy to lose weight that no matter what I did that I most likely wouldn’t lose weight. And that she wanted me to see a bariatric specialist. Seriously, a person in the medical field is gonna tell a 32 (at the time) year old women that her attempts at weight-loss are fruitless and the only option is a surgery that is still killing 1 in a 100 people. I have a small child and I am her only parent. It threw me for a loop. I since have kind of fallen off track with going to the gym and such. I am not saying it is all her fault but I can guarantee you that was not at all helpful to me!!! I think the point I am driving home is no matter what a person looks like no one has a right to judge them strictly on that basis. We are all created equal in the eyes of the Lord and He doesn’t play favorites His love is pure and unwavering. He has a desire I am sure for me to be at a healthy weight so that I can live the best life possible because He loves me unconditionally just the same as every other person on the face of the Earth!!!! Let me repeat that WE ARE ALL CREATED EQUAL not one of us is above another and the statuses we assign to others are strictly an earthly creation. I know this has been a bit of a rant but the career I have chosen is all about championing the cause of the voiceless, the weak, poor in spirit and the cast-offs of society and the more I learn and the more God opens my eyes to His will for me the more I feel the need to use my voice to bring light to the evil that tricks us and puts ideas in our head that are not from our loving Heavenly Father. I pray that I would remember my own words and that everyday I would shed the judgment and harsh criticisms that I hold onto and move toward being a more loving person. Thanks to everyone who loves me just the way I am.

I love you because your you. 🙂

Jenness                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 c/s