Heavy Heart

It has been a long while since I blogged guess I got caught up and distracted. I have been feeling pulled to put pen to paper for a while and didn’t quite know how to say what has been weighing on my heart. My heart is confused and conflicted do I tell the absolute truth and risk loss or do I wait and hope for the best? I have so many things keeping me up at night and I wonder what the lesson from God is. Much thought, contemplation and talking things out go into my every action and word I am not the girl I used to be where my thoughts spill off my tongue and lay carnage in my wake. But I do miss her and the gift of innocence she didn’t know she enjoyed. The woman who now lives her life is sadly cynical, irresponsible, terribly picky and judgemental though everything in her rebels against such things. That is part of why my heart is so heavy and why love has become a burden to me. Why love when it brings these intense and painful thoughts and feelings to the surface that rob me of my sleep and sometimes my sanity. I am going to speak frankly and hopefully not offend. I am finding myself angry with God. Yep angry at God. That is hard for me to admit even to myself but the truth is I am deeply disappointed in my lack of wisdom and clarity of mind. I am angry that I was created in a way that seems to keep dysfunction at the forefront of my life and that there is no such thing as normal functioning for me. I know that some of my unique gifts are to my benefit but why is it that I have the desire to have and be things that seem impossible to obtain? If the ones I love only see the dysfunction and not that the lessons I have learned help me to bear the dysfunction then how can they respect my wisdom? If destruction and failure continue to plague me then how can they see that my truest intentions of healing, helping and moving forward reign supreme. I am angry that my past has had a way of dictating my future. The truth is no one but the God who created me and all my oddities understands the reality of my life. I know that I can be angry at my creator but at the same time realize that He is still actively working on me and allowing me to figure it all out for myself as well. My heavy heart is proof positive that I am have grown and matured consequently and in spite of all the dysfunction that has been exhibited in the past and present. So my heavy heart wants to be unburdened and my intuition to be taken seriously, my words to carry weight and my opinions to matter. Then maybe my burden will lift and I can stop judging myself so harshly and feel more free to be myself and love in a way that doesn’t require such deep pain and sleepless nights. Now how to get there from here.

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