I have a voice.

My life has been plagued with frustration and failure. I have had every excuse in the book to use as my sword to fight off change. I have battled many different things in my life and the things that seems insurmountable have always come back to one thing. CONTROL I have always thought that I had the illusion of it in my life but then I take a step back and realize that all my metaphorical balls have spun so far out of control that I can no longer recognize what they looked like to begin with. I keep thinking if just this one thing is fixed then it will all fall into place. My reality is that I can’t fix anything and I am treading water barely keeping my head above water praying with all my might that the strength in my legs doesn’t fail or I will for sure go under. All my heart, soul, intention and effort want what is right but when presented with something that appears to be a short cut I forget all my fortitude and try to feel better today. I am my own worst enemy and I self sabotage. Maybe it is a step forward to realize that I do that but now how do I fix it. Its kinda of absurd I have to say to think of fixing myself like you would a car or a leaky faucet. What is “broken” isn’t visible its deep in my heart and soul. And the idea of being broken is a scary thought for me because all the thoughts of unworthiness come full force and nearly topple me over when I think of it being true. But, the truth is we all have a little brokenness scars, wounds, gaping holes in our hearts that are not fixed by a wrench or screw driver. I have what is called borderline personality disorder, essentially I have never been “validated” in life and battle many things that others can overcome easier than me. Now when I was diagnosed I was devastated though it made sense as to the trajectory of my life it also validated that I was in a sense broken, now I have spoken of my crazy brain before that I attribute to my ADHD but I have been dealing with that since I was a second grader. This new diagnosis seemed scarier and like the elephant in the room just sat on my face and was suffocating me. Since, this diagnosis over a year ago I have learned how to manage things better and am making strides to be more self-aware and to manage the panic attacks and anxiety. To not be so hard on myself and try to stop being my own worst critic, I have lived under a cloud of judgment and a lot of that judgment came from myself. I am a failure because I am human and it is not just a Jenness condition it is a human condition. I am learning to shed my preconceived notions about myself and I know I have grown. Forward motion happens everyday in my life and that all my hidden yuckiness comes to light piece by piece and I try to work through it. I think that I am seeing more and more that I HAVE A VOICE and that, that voice can be used to stand up for myself and others, to tell the truth, to tell others the truth and to speak out against injustice, to highlight the passions that God has set on fire in my heart. I want to be the change that I need. I want to eradicate in my heart prejudice, racism, hatred, judgmental attitudes, fear, anxiety and the idea that I am nothing and can help no one including myself. That is a lie of satan, he banks on the fact that I will fail and hate myself when I do. But, though I have been plagued with failure and the ensuing frustration from that I feel like God is opening my heart and mind for a distinct purpose. I know He has a purpose for all of His children and maybe mine is to use my story to pay it forward to give hope where none can be found. I realize that I am so very far from perfect but in an Easter morning service I was encouraged that if God can use murders, tax collectors and cowards to further His kingdom why not me. WHY NOT ME???

Jenness

c/s

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. FairlyCandid.wordpress.com
    Apr 27, 2011 @ 06:51:58

    Jenness, you have a wonderful way with words and truthfulness and I love you! The last line was perfect and something we all need to remember. Mary

    Reply

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