Complications

As usual I don’t know where to begin. Hmm, well I have had some friendship complications lately really in the last three years specifically I have really been battling things in my heart and mind. Not only about the kind of friend I am but the kind of friends I have and want. Here is what I know about myself as a friend. I am selfish, possessive and sometimes jealous. I am also, fiercely loyal, I love 100% unconditionally, I am patient and extremely forgiving (may I add to a fault sometimes. :)) I really try to be a good friend but right now I am completely at a loss as to what that means in some of my relationships. I am having a hard time picturing what comes next and I frankly have a kinda bad attitude about it. I have been praying and praying and then praying some more. I know that God says to forgive and I think that goal could definitely be accomplished but the problem I face seems a bit more as I said complicated. My heart hurts and my feeling have been hurt time after time and for some reason I just cant get the thought out of my head that sometimes friendships have an expiration date. Then, I think back to all the laughter, tears, support during tragedies, and years of mutual love and respect and just feel sad that things have come to where they are and that the thought of ending friendships is even in my head. I see that I am at fault for some of the dysfunction or causation in relation to the specific things I am talking about. I have been very surface and said hurtful things out of frustration and on the other hand not said what I felt I should have to prevent being walked all over and/or for my time to not be taken up by drama. Frankly, I am hurting my heart is tired. I never have worked so hard in my life to come out on top of something I have supported, listened, cried, prayed and given more time than I could and I still feel like I am coming up short and that all my time, energy and care were in vain and unappreciated. Like all those things are an entitlement not a gift. I keep no account of what and how much I give until it is made to be nothing. I try to never throw it in someones face that I have done so much for them and be self-righteous about it having an expectation of extreme gratitude from said someone. Friendship is a gift and a series of give and take it may never be equal one person gives more than another and at then it’s reversed. I tend to be attracted to people who are not like me in many ways. To put it frankly I am attracted for some strange reason to selfish people. They are either selfish with their time, money, affection or some other thing looking at all the friendships I hold dear every single one of them no offense is selfish and at times it is extreme.  (Let me preface this thought with I love every one of the people in my life and I am friends with them for a reason they have amazing qualities and I cherish them.) I am not without selfishness or selfish attitudes on occasion but I don’t normally consider myself as such. Therefore I think I choose people who are so vastly different from me because they fascinate me. Along with that also comes problems when a relationship is deep and trust runs freely problems can and usually do arise and because there are obvious differences in selflessness and opinions. These differences come to light and that is then, when true colors and intentions come out into the open. And lately it hasn’t been very pretty even where I am concerned. I admit that I have had a hard heart and had a harder time than usual forgiving. But, I have tried to be the best friend I could be and now feel all used up and left wanting. My frustration level has passed its peak and with tears in my eyes I am wondering can we get through this and come out better than before and right now sadly the answer in my heart is no. I want it to be yes and I want to get back to the kind of friendship I once treasured and enjoyed. But, how?

Jenness

c/s

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