Reflection and Renewal

The year 2010 is days from ending and I just am left feeling like something should be said for the end of a horrible, wonderful, trying and fantastic year. I have learned far more than the books I have had to read for school could have ever taught me. I began this year with trepidation and excitement for starting a new chapter in my life. Lily and I made a huge move into our own place. I decided to follow a long-held dream and start college once again. Those things in and of themselves were seriously life altering. Never in my life have I ever appreciated single moms the way I learned to this year being a full-time student, mom and trying to live life at the same time has been beyond challenging. My parents are angels I never realized how much they helped me with her till they were no longer just up the stairs to send Lily to.

This year has been full of trials and frustrations, victories and joy. In April I started working, on top of school and taking care of  Lily. I have felt so blessed to work with the people who I have encountered at Shepherds Fold. They are kind, sweet, uplifting , understanding and forever patient with my constantly changing schedule and I have truly found kindred spirits in my co-workers. I am blessed by them. Of course working creates more time challenges but truly it has been a blessing.

Mothering has been more of a challenge than I ever thought I have such a wonderful and amazing child, Lily is literally why I get out of bed every morning I have such a desire for all the good in the world to come to her. But, I battle the everyday, fits and sassiness that (hmm I can’t imagine where that came from) comes from a very independent 3-year-old. On occasion I have been at a total loss as to what to do or how to handle the behaviors. I have made a decision to keep spanking to a minimum. That creates a unique challenge to find ways to find consequences for discipline measures. But, what I do know is that my wonderful, beautiful hearted  girl deserves my best and to know the boundaries and ways that God would want her to live so, creativity is key and patience is needed. As a side note I was looking at her in her bed the other night and literally she took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. She is the most precious and beautiful gift I have ever been given and I praise God for the opportunity to be her mom.

In the midst of the craziness I met Gus this fantastic sweet man who has helped me see worth in myself and that love does not always have to hurt and be destructive to my heart. Of course I have had a battle within myself to learn how to be patient and understanding and not overbearing. But, I praise God for Gus and when I am with him or talking to him I glow and can’t stop smiling. My heart once again swells with the warmth of love. I truly never thought that after all that I have been through and done that I could open up and feel the kind of love, really from anyone that I wanted. But, God is good and heals even deep wounds. The scars are still there and give twinges of pain once in awhile but it is easier to come back from them now.

After two very rough semesters and many emotional ups and downs, financial concerns and personal and friendship crisis I feel stronger. I feel like the saying “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” is living out in my life and that all the troubles and trials have a purpose. A sort of clarification. I have a necklace that I bought for myself around my first mothers day it is a Butterfly (that symbolizes the courage to change) that says Embrace Life. It’s words helped in the inspiring of  the name of this blog and for the idea of  transition in my life. I have spoken in several blogs of integrity and that I have tried to make it my goal to live it out in my life. I think this next year will be a great continuation of that goal and all the benefits that come with it.

So here is to 2011 being productive, joyful, educational, full of courage, integrity and embracing all that life brings my way.

All Smiles on Christmas

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