Understanding Crazy Me.

Crazy is how I would characterize my life. I have what I call crazy brain. I am ADHD and it sometimes has been a plague on my life. Putting pen to paper about this is a battle what or how to say the things that for me are scary vulnerable, how to get my heart to pour out what I think should be said so that I can get it off my chest and move forward a little less inhibited. For me blogging is healing and brings me more peace. I can say that as far back as I can remember I was sad. I remember in my 2nd grade class taking my ADHD medicine in front of the whole class at the water fountain and felt ashamed. Ashamed that I was different and not “normal” I was eight years old. I remember from then on struggling, I had very few friends and many times thought “what is wrong with me.” I started to struggle with my grades and not understand my school work. Which in turn perpetuated the idea of what is wrong with me why can’t I get it. Why is this so hard to control my brain and focus. I remember being told over and over again how annoying I was. All of these thoughts and feelings followed me straight to adulthood. But, they soon turned to hurt, frustration, guilt, anxiety, and the shame stayed. My life has turned out to be a series of follies. My heart has been broken in half and trampled on many times and each time it is harder to put the pieces back together. I have made impulsive, irresponsible decision that on occasion I didn’t even realize I was doing until it was over. It is this overwhelming sense of make it hurt less in the moment make the pain be at bay for a minute or hour. It is almost like a drug I have sat crying uncontrollably and eating then an hour later spiraled into guilt and shame for my behavior. Whether the salve was food, spending money or allowing the wrong man to have my heart it all culminated into guilt, shame and fear. I have had panic attacks and literally thought I would rather die than feel that much pain any more . I have always felt rejected and experienced rejection more times than I can count. One person told me it was because I was too fat after 7 years, I was too fat to be considered worthy, one told me I was far to irresponsible and they couldn’t handle that. Friends have been lost and relationships devastated and in the end I found a way to take all the blame onto myself because I am just Jenness, irresponsible, crazy brained, FAT, unlovable, not worthy of a forever Jenness. I am in a constant battle for sanity and acceptance, I struggle every single day with feelings of anxiety and powerlessness. I have hurt and pushed away some of the people who are the most precious to me. They can’t see the inner battle and see that all I want is to be normal. To go one day without the guilt, fear, anger, frustration and depression. I feel broken. I have such a desire to be someone different to make my life respectable and productive. To put God first, lose weight to take control of my finances and my life. I am battling every single day to move forward and try to do what is right. 99% of the time I feel like it is in vain. But, tomorrow I will get out of bed I will put my feet on the floor and try to live free. From evil desires, free from the crazy thoughts of unworthiness and fear and to keep the anxiety at bay. I no longer wish for these things to rule my life and I am kicking and screaming trying to fight like hell against them to build the life that I want for Lily and I. I want to be able to instill in my child the unconditional love of the Holy Father and the confidence to live free from the things that ensnare our hearts, to focus on God and character building that will help her to live a life without regrets. One I wish I had. I have said it before and I will say it again I want to live with Integrity.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. fairlycandid
    Nov 17, 2010 @ 13:39:30

    Jenness, you are a beautiful writer and express yourself so well. Being able to do that must help you sort it all out and see the value in yourself. You are doing an amazing job with Lily so give yourself a hug and know that others are lifting you up when you need it most.
    Mary M.

    Reply

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