Choices

So, one of my greatest wishes as Lily’s mom is that she be a woman of integrity that knows and follows God. I think a lot about how to achieve this goal and realize that I need to be the kind of woman that I want her to be. And, I realize that I am not, I pray and talk about God with her and in my job and life. I realize how what a Christian should think is constantly popping up in my mind and that I have all these judgements based on the values that I have deep in my heart. And how I have gone astray from the essence of  what the values mean I think that my judgements are wrong but that there are absolute right and wrongs in the world but also that God created us all equal and every sin is the same in His eyes. Though I have some very good things that I have built my foundation on and should try focusing more attention to that than the negative that I allowed it to become. I battle my mind constantly. I have been battling my own desire to do what I want and not follow the pull God has on my life. I have a negative outlook on my world and the things in it. College has had a way of opening up my mind and clarifying my judgemental attitudes towards people who are different than me. I have come to realize that no matter whether someone holds the same beliefs as me or not that they deserve respect. As far as the bad attitude and sadness I have been struggling with, I was having a conversation with Gus the other day and he said I needed to think more positively. Which seems simplistic but is so very profound in nature for someone like me. I can choose to change my mind set. Through a lot of work I have realized I am of the mind set that the things I battle define me and therefore I become what I do. Big bad Jenness has ruled the day for a long time now and the idea that I do not deserve happiness and true love and acceptance is coming to an end I hope. 🙂 Instead I think that I want to let love define me and let happiness happen. I mean I guess what I am trying to say not so poetically is that I can choose to dwell on the tough things in life and let it get me down or choose to see the positive things and focus on those. For instance, I miss Gus like crazy all the time and it gets me down. And recently, I decided I need to live in the knowledge that today right now a wonderful man loves me and I have an awesome little beauty of a daughter that is sweet and kind and family and friends that love me and have loved me through it all and I need to choose the happy and choose to see the upside of it all. And most of all I have a Heavenly Father who loves me just as I am all my lumps and bumps and every mistake I have ever made every deep dark secret he knows and yet he still loves me and pursues me. His lost child He wants to be in a relationship with me. No matter how much I wrestle with demons and doubts my Lord and Savoir wants me He pursues me. I belong to Him and He never lets me go. Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” The long and short I want to choose the happy the good and if I continue to do that and listen more carefully to God, then he will make my path straight and show me how to raise Lily in His llikeness and to find joy no matter the circumstances.

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