My Baby is 3.

My Baby Girl¬†Lily is 3. WOW how did time fly so fast. I remember like it was yesterday yelling up the stairs at my parents, I THINK I AM IN LABOR. And hearing what do you mean you think. ūüôā It was 2:50am on a Monday morning. We raced to the hospital as my stubborn little toot was upside down and backwards and I absolutely¬†was not gonna have her naturally. I was so unprepared and scared to death. All I could think about was my room is a disaster and I have nothing ready I need more time but Lily had ideas of her own. Which by the way has stayed true to form. ūüėČ At 5:46am there she was pretty, scrunchy¬†nosed, black-haired¬†perfection. The most beautiful thing¬†I had ever laid my¬†eyes on. My long-held¬†dream had come true and I was a Mom. The last three years have been hard, wonderful, special, and looking back sooo¬†many precious moments have come to pass and I would not change a thing about her or our lives together. She is smart, sassy, independent, sweet and just the best thing that has ever happened to me.¬† She is such a good helper and always on the go. She has the best laugh and reminds me of the beauty of simplicity. She prays like she is talking to a friend and I pray that never ends. Lily you are a precious and wonderful gift from God. I love you more than I ever thought I could love someone and praise God for you.

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My Mom

I am a 32 year old woman and I still need my mom. She is amazing. I am constantly thinking how did she do it. She had four children in 6 years and didn’t go crazy. Now, that is a feat to be praised. I think that she has in the past been largely under appreciated. Especially by me. Since I have been a mother I have learned how to uniquely appreciate her. My mom is special. She is full of wisdom and grace. She would give someone the shirt off her back if she thought that they needed it. And in fact she has given many meals and rooms out to all that were in need.¬†She has Godly advice and is extremely supportive to me as a parent. I appreciated so much the first years of Lily’s life that her and my dad allowed me to live with them. Her constant presence benefited my little peanut and me¬†greatly. Her help and support were and are¬†invauable. I want my mom to know that all her hard work has not gone unnoticed and that I appreciate the person she is with¬†her humor and hearty laugh. The twinkle in her eye and the beauty of her smile.¬†She is a killer cook, and taught me the art of hospitality.¬†Mom I love and appreciate you. Thanks for being my friend, my sounding board,¬†also for being a good and loving mom and grandmother. Lily adores her Honalicious. ūüôā What I am trying to say is that I am glad God gave me you as my mom.

Past

The word past should say it all. But, it doesn’t the hurts and hang ups linger far to long and drag me down. The memory of what was and now isnt is sometimes to hard to bear. I wonder how I have had the fortitude to drag my feet through the muck and yuck to make it to the other side. I suppose now is what I choose to do with these ties that bind me to my past do I let them be shackles that hold me or the strings of a kite that let me soar? I want to sing praise and give thanks to God today right now in my heart and mind for every defining moment for every day that I failed and for everytime I was hurt because I know that He blessed this broken soul and that He will¬†help me soar one day. I may take mini flights now but one day God will bring me above the trees where I can see for miles around and survey the roads I have taken and see the one that stretches so far in front of me that I cannot see its end. Joy will fill my heart and the promise of Revelation 21:4 will be fullfilled forever. ”¬†He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Truly the old order of things can pass away and I will be freed from guilt and pain of the past. Praise God for His provision and unconditional love.

Choices

So, one of my greatest wishes as Lily’s mom is that she be a woman of integrity that knows and follows God. I think a lot about how to achieve this goal and realize that I need to be the kind of woman that I want her to be. And,¬†I¬†realize that I am not, I pray¬†and talk about God with her and in my job and life. I realize how what a Christian should think is constantly popping up in my mind and that I have all these judgements based on the values that I have deep in my heart. And how I have gone astray from the essence of¬† what the values mean I think that my judgements are wrong but that¬†there are absolute right and wrongs in the world but also that God created us all equal and every sin is the same in His eyes. Though I have some very good things¬†that I have built my foundation on and should try focusing more attention to that than the negative that I allowed it to become.¬†I battle my mind constantly. I have been battling my own desire to do what I want and not follow the pull God has on my life. I have a negative outlook on my world and the things in it. College has had a way of opening up my mind and clarifying my¬†judgemental attitudes towards people who are different than me. I¬†have come to realize that no matter whether someone holds the same beliefs as me or not that they deserve respect. As far as the bad attitude and sadness I have been struggling with, I was having a conversation with Gus the other day and he said I needed to think more positively. Which seems simplistic but is so very profound in nature for someone like me. I can choose to change my mind set. Through a lot of work¬†I have realized¬†I am of the mind set that the things I battle define me and therefore I become what I do. Big bad Jenness has ruled the day for a long time now and the idea that I do not deserve happiness and true love and acceptance is coming to an end I hope. ūüôā Instead I think that I want¬†to let love define me and let happiness happen. I mean I guess what I am trying to say not so poetically is that I can choose to dwell on the tough things in life and let it get¬†me down or choose to see the positive things and focus on those. For instance, I miss Gus like crazy all the time and it gets me down. And recently, I decided I need to live in the knowledge that today right now a wonderful man loves me and I have an awesome little beauty of a daughter that is sweet and kind and family and friends that love me and have loved me through it all and I need to choose the happy and choose to see the upside of it all. And most of all I have a Heavenly Father who loves me just as I am all my lumps and bumps and every mistake I have ever made every deep dark secret he knows and yet he still loves me and pursues me. His lost child He wants to be in a relationship with me. No matter how much I wrestle with demons and doubts my Lord and Savoir wants me He pursues me. I belong to Him and He never lets me go. Deuteronomy 31:6¬†“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” The long and short I want to choose the happy the good and if I continue to do that and listen more carefully to God, then he will make my path straight and show me how to raise Lily in His llikeness and to find joy no matter the circumstances.

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