Tonight I had a friend call me and ask if she could come over. I said of course she could. I was so glad to see her. It was like she feds my soul I love her and appreciate her in ways she doesn’t even know. I realized awhile ago that all my friendships were in trouble and I kept thinking it was the other person. But it wasn’t just one friends it was two, three, all. And so I took a step back and recognized the common thread. ME. I expected my friends to be great, there for me, people that catered to my every whim but I wasn’t willing to do the same I was annoyed and pissed all the time. So, I started thinking about the kind of friend I had been and realized that I was not being what I wanted to have. I am working on it and trying to be better. And am so grateful to my beloved friends whom stuck by me bitchy or not and continue to stick by me. And, that they have never given up and are a encouraging force in my life. I am so glad that you needed me tonight I needed you too. Thanks to all those we love me even though you don’t have to. I can’t imagine how sad and boring my life would be without you. Red heart


I worked today!! This is the first time in a year and two months that I have worked at an establishment. It is a very good feeling knowing that I am a productive member of society and though I will not be making much I will be bringing in income of my own for Lily and I again. It is the confidence boost I needed and a great way to stay close to peanut while I work to take care of us. God is providing blessings for us everywhere we look and I am grateful for His provision. Thanks to all the people who pray for us.

A New Beginning

I got a job today!!!! I have been chasing it for a while and I am so happy that it all came through. I will be working part-time and Lily’s daycare. It is very exciting for the two of us. Our little life is in constant transition. But, right now I am working toward it being for the better. The director of the daycare gave me a huge hug and told me welcome to the family. It was nice that I have already known most of them for two years now and it will be an easy transition into the job. I registered for four classes this summer semester and am excited to continue on this journey. I am going to take English, Interpersonal Communication, Math (uggg), and Psychology. I think I may be crazy. LOL Sarcastic God has been blessing us and I am grateful. I would like to say thanks again to my parents for letting me use their car. I love you guys. and appreciate all you do.

The day from hell!!!!

So my day started off late I didn’t get up until 6:45am and Lily and I have to leave at 7:15am at the latest. We left at 7:20 and I headed to Lilys school aka daycare. After that I slowly chugged up the hill and on the freeway to my school and less than a mile to go my car DIED!!!!! I had enough speed to get me to the gas station where I filled up and thought that would do it. But, alas it did not work. So I spent 40 in gas I can’t use. And then I tried calling all my friends that I was supposed to be in class with and none of them would answer. So, I decided to walk the short distance to school a kind boy that attends with me heard and gave me a ride. Open-mouthed After class my friend’s took me to take a look at the damages to Sierra the Subaru. One of them called her dad to help. It turns out that he was a very sad reminder of the past. He was Kay’s sisters boyfriend at the time and to top that Kay’s sister who I haven’t seen since the funeral showed up to. And for some reason I could not control my feelings I started to cry and could barely tell roadside assistance where I was and where the car needed to go. I cried for about an hour and every time I thought about it for a couple of hours. I think that I haven’t dealt with it all somewhere in the back of my mind and heart. It was a very raw hurt and on top of it all the frustration about the car. 12 years after Kay’s death and I hurt like that man I don’t know what to think. Other than, it was probably her death was one of the most life altering, gut wrenching moments in my life.  At the end of the day Lily and I made it home safe in a borrowed car thanks to my extremely generous parents and things will get better. Right?


In the recent months alot has changed in my life. I became a full time student, moved out of my parents house (finally for all of us) and truly became a single mom. I lived with mom and dad all of Lily’s life and didn’t really know how much they helped until it wasn’t there. Confused With all that said I can’t seem to pull out of my funk I am doing well in school but, I still feel stupid, I am making it on my own, (barely) but still feel useless and worried that I am just not good enough or strong enough to do this. And Lily and I are taking things day to day and I am trying hard to be patient with the terrible twos but feel like all I do is make mistakes and screw up as a parent. Anyone who know me well knows that I battle with self defeating thoughts and issues of self worth. But, I am tired, tired of not being on top of my game and functioning at 25% of what I want to function at. So, I have decided that I need change, I have written a sort of mission statement for my life over the next couple years and laid out some things that I want to be better or that I think need some work on my part. So, I am embarking on scary territory for me. I am beginning to sift through the ugly, yucky crap that I pushed deep down in my soul that has helped contribute to my weight gain, depression and ultimately gotten me to where I am. Please Lord help me see your hand on my life and see the path you want me to take in all of this. I want to be used for the purposes you set forth in my life and I can’t do that as I am.

My Dad

My dad will be 58 tomorrow. I want to take this opportunity as we are about to celebrate another year of his life to say how much I love and appreciate the man who chose to be my dad. He is the hardest working man I have ever known. He is a sacrifical man who has always tried to do the right thing. I have learned a love of gardening, the outdoors and what true intergity is from him. I appreciate all that he is and all that he has done for our family and especially for Lily and I.  He gave up his home and time to help us get on our feet and he let me do it in my time. I couldn’t ask for a better Poppy for Lily. And want to say that he is one of my heroes and I love him with all my heart. Thanks Dad for being you.


In my life I have faced many battles. I have won some and lost more. Lately I have been battleing my thoughts. Everything I do has guilt attached to it and I can’t get anything out of my mind. My thoughts seem sometimes to take over. Things like, you are not good, or strong, not thin so therefore unattractive, gross and unlovable, and that I am not smart enough. Are these the lies of Satan or is there some truth behind all I fear. I constantly wonder how my life came to be ruled by fear and guilt. I am frustrated and wish that I could figure all of it out right now. I just want to be the smart, responsible, and the fun loving person I wish I was. Again how did I get to this place? Yesterday was the anniversary of the tragic death of a dear friend and every year I reflect on what I learned from it and what I still need to learn. It really tore me apart and I felt helpless and hopeless. But, God brought me through and showed me that I have perseverance, and the will power to move forward. He showed me to appreciate all the ones I love and to LET them know I appreciate them. I am still learning from that heart wrenching time period also from all the others as well. And am honestly trying to be a better person. The person I want to be.

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